In the often chaotic world of parenting, one complaint frequently echoes through the corridors of countless homes, “My child does not listen to me.” This sentiment, shared by many parents, is more than just a passing frustration. According to Collins Odhiambo, a seasoned parental coach and educator, this issue is deeply rooted in a misunderstanding of the dynamics of parent-child relationships.
“What parents need to know,” Mr Odhiambo begins, “is that children do not come from them. Children only come through them.” This statement invites parents to rethink their roles. Rather than seeing themselves as the ultimate authority, parents should view their children as individuals with their perspectives and insights.
Mr Odhiambo argues that parents and children have something valuable to offer, but an important element often missing is the willingness to listen. “There should be a listening process,” he insists. “Parents need to listen because there is much they don’t know that they can only learn from their children.”
In today’s fast-paced world, children often have access to more knowledge than their parents, thanks to the internet and global connectivity. “For you to learn in the parenting journey, remember parenting does not have a manual,” Mr Odhiambo notes. “Even for me, I have written a book, but I don’t call it a manual. It is a guide on the best practices of parenting,” he says.
“If you have four children, you would have four curriculums,” he explains. “Because each one of them has something to offer. They listen at different levels. They absorb information differently. They act differently. They take instructions differently.”
The key, therefore, is to avoid a one-size-fits-all approach and instead, engage in meaningful conversations with each child to understand their needs and preferences.
Collins Odhiambo, Parental Coach and educator, during an interview at Nation Center on August 22, 2024.
Photo credit: Wilfred Nyangaresi | Nation
Teenage transition
One of the most challenging stages in parenting is the teenage years, a phase marked by a struggle for independence and identity. “Teenagers don’t have a problem,” Mr Odhiambo assures. “They are just trying to be their authentic selves.” He explains that during this stage, children begin to ask questions as they seek to understand their environment and define their individuality.
Parents, however, often fail to transition their parenting style to match their child’s developmental stage. “Parents are not willing to graduate themselves from parenting zero to nine years to the parenting phase of thirteen to eighteen years,” Mr Odhiambo says.
This failure to adapt can lead to a breakdown in communication, where teenagers turn to their friends for advice instead of their parents. The solution, according to the parental coach lies in creating an open, non-judgmental dialogue with teenagers where parents listen more and talk less.
The 80-20 Rule
Mr Odhiambo advocates for an 80-20 listening ratio in parenting, where parents should spend eighty per cent of the time listening and only twenty per cent talking. “If you already know where your child is coming from, you will spend less energy as parents,” he explains. “But because we don’t listen, we have very limited information about them.”
Additionally, one of the most overlooked aspects of parenting is the lack of preparation for the teenage years. “Parents prepare for childbirth by reading books, listening to podcasts, and gathering information, but no one prepares for the arrival of the teenager,” he says. This lack of preparation leaves parents ill-equipped to handle the challenges that come with adolescence, leading to unnecessary conflicts and misunderstandings.
The relationship parents build with their children before they reach their teenage years is crucial, Mr Odhiambo says. A relationship built on one-way communication will likely result in a teenager who does not seek advice from their parents, but will instead turn to peers who might lead them astray. “What if we bring this conversation home?” Mr Odhiambo suggests. “We need to listen more and talk less.”
The parental coach also sheds light on the importance of addressing difficult topics with children, such as drugs, sexuality, and peer influence, which should be from a place of understanding rather than judgment. “If we don’t have these conversations, our children will seek answers elsewhere, often from unreliable sources,” he warns. “Listening is at the centre of parenting. Without listening, there is no paradox.”
