Tag: Leave

“The wife didn’t support him when he became broke. She left him.” Someone told me about a couple’s divorce. It is the most overused, regurgitated excuse when a woman gives up a toxic relationship with a man.

I had the wife’s version of the events leading to their divorce, which was vastly different. “He was always abusive, but now, he became cruel, dangerous, and impossible to live with.” She said and continued, “He was deceitful. He siphoned off our joint accounts behind my back and was extremely rude when I enquired about it.”

They had earlier agreed to make monthly deposits for a big project they were working on. “It was the arrogance, the belittling, the violence, and the adultery that followed that opened my eyes to what my life had become with him. I left to rebuild my life.” 

The thing with couples is that there is always his version, her version, and the true version. For Christians, God remains the witness between a man and the wife of his youth. Relationships are a lot like children. We have the power to nurture them into healthy, honorable, and admirable entities or stunt them into spectacular failures.

I know from experience that no wife ever dreams of a divorce. We are raised on such mantras as “A good woman holds her family together, and a good wife covers her husband.” Even when we report abuse, we are hastily shushed. “Don’t embarrass your husband.” We are judged and victimised when we show up with bruises. “What did you do to provoke him?”

If he is of ungovernable temper, a philanderer, you are bombarded with impossible feats to get him to change. There is nothing a woman can do to change a man’s character.  No adult is responsible for another’s behavior. A wife will not seek divorce because you got broke. Dude, we put up with neglect, cruelty, mistresses, and everything in between. By the time an African woman decides to seek a divorce, she has acquired a PhD level in forbearance, tolerance, and martyrdom.

So, when you hear a man claim that his wife of decades left him because his fortunes changed, ask him, “Really?” Unless she was a ‘second wife’ also known as the mistress. That is a different discussion. We know that she would never have given you a second look if you had not flashed the wealth that you and your wife scrimped to build.

That scrawny dreamer that your wife married would be a hard sell to a second or third wife. So, why do finance and change of fortunes affect some marriage relationships so disastrously? First, because men and women handle adversity differently. While females experience more complex adversities in their lifetime, males globally demonstrate higher suicide rates than females. It is because of that thing we tell our sons, “Man up, be strong, take it like a man.” We are supposed to raise our sons to be human. Period.

 The second reason that finances can spell a death knell to your marriage is how your personalities evolve with the changing fortunes. Have you become angry, purposeless, and completely unable or unwilling to eat humble pie, take stock, downgrade, and repurpose for a comeback? Do you prefer gambling with get-rich-quick schemes and con games to finance your lifestyle, or can you start a job or a small business and recover, eventually?

Men who claim that she took off because he became broke are averse to introspection. They know it is not true, but because it has been repeated and is an acceptable cliché, they ride with it. They dare not face the ugly truth of who they truly were, that being broke was something she most likely warned you about, but your pride could not take financial advice from a woman. In addition, how did you treat her in her hour of adversity?

Some husbands mistreat Barbra the Builder. They forget the wife of their youth, who took out those Sacco loans to finance his dream. They look down on her when her shoes wear out, and she sacrifices her beauty regime to feed him and the children.  A woman will gracefully bow out when she is no longer feeling safe or loved. Well, not really. First, we go bonkers and dramatic, and then, one day, we quietly leave.  We hibernate. We remember who we were before the character development marriage caused us.  We know we carry favor. While you claim we left you because you got broke, we know we left because you broke us.