Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother-in-law spent my husband’s inheritance when my father-in-law died. She retired when he died at the age of 53. Now, she lives off disability, her Social Security, his Social Security, and she lives lavishly. She buys 40 Stanley cups and orders every meal out. She constantly complains about how unfair her life is. I want to cut ties with her because we’re struggling to afford our lives with one child and six figures of student loan debt. Her lifestyle just makes me despise her. Is her lifestyle reason enough for me to resent her? Does she “owe” us anything at all? Should I just grow up and move on so she can have a relationship with her granddaughter?
—Resentful Daughter-in-Law
Dear Resentful Daughter-in-Law,
Your husband’s inheritance? Let’s start there. Unless your late father-in-law specifically left your husband money in his will or in a trust and his mother took it and spent it, it wasn’t his inheritance. It was hers.
Nowhere in your letter do you express any sympathy or empathy for what your mother-in-law has gone through. She was widowed young, finished raising her family, and decided to focus on that rather than continuing to work. What does “living lavishly” really mean? How much do you actually know about her finances? You typically won’t get Social Security disability income and regular Social Security, and she won’t get her Social Security and her late husband’s. You have to choose.
My guess is that she’s living just at or beyond her means, on her late husband’s Social Security and maybe some disability insurance she had. It’s hardly a lavish lifestyle, no matter how many Stanley cups you buy. I wonder if she’s managing to pay off credit card debt and what’s left of her mortgage each month. Probably not. She complains about her life because it’s hard to be widowed, raise a family as a single parent without endless resources, and be disabled. I doubt it’s the life she imagined living.
Now, let’s talk about you. No, your mother-in-law doesn’t owe you anything except respect. She doesn’t even have to love you, but if she wants to have a relationship with her son, you, and her grandchild, she needs to be civil and kind. You need to be civil, kind, and a bit more empathetic in return. She certainly doesn’t owe you anything monetarily. And, yes, I’d suggest you grow up enough to recognize that you and your husband are responsible for paying for your own lives.
So, decide you’re going to take charge of your finances. If you have a huge amount of student loans, make a plan to pay it off. Take a second job or find a way to cut your expenses. Stop wallowing in your resentment. If you change your attitude and make up your mind to move forward in a different direction, you’ll likely find that everything in your life gets better.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I think it’s time to leave my job. I’m a 30-year-old woman who’s been struggling with an autoimmune disease for three to four years. I have a diagnosis, but the many treatments I’ve tried aren’t helping much, and I have a lot of unresolved and unexplained issues besides my primary diagnosis. The pain and fatigue are disabling. I stopped working full-time about two years ago, and was recently asked/told to come back full-time or to leave. Fortunately, I’m already approved by our company’s long-term disability policy and will have a (small portion) of my former salary when I do leave. The policy has made up for some of my missing wages and should continue to pay out when I stop working.
But this feels like an insane choice in 2024. I used to love my job. I traveled for work. I had special skills and qualifications. It was a little more than an “answer some emails and go to a Zoom meeting” kind of cushy desk job. But everything came naturally to me and I used to be very good at what I did. I just can’t do it anymore. Or do much at all. I’m too tired and in too much pain right now. I hope I’ll find the right medications one day and get back to some semblance of my former self. I’d like to go back to school and/or resume work in another position eventually. But I’m afraid of what the job market will look like in the next two, five, or 10 years. And my disability policy will keep my wages fairly stagnant. I should live a normal life span with my illness, and can’t imagine what the next 45-plus years look like anymore.
Am I doing the right thing? (As if I have a choice at this point?) Am I blowing up my financial and career future? Do you have any advice for a situation like mine? I have seen a counselor, and am basically OK with the actual quitting. It’s everything that comes after that worries me.
—Daunted By Disability
Dear Daunted by Disability,
I’m sorry your illness has been so devastating. While you’re about to make a decision that will have life-changing (and possibly life-long) consequences for your career, you’re also deciding to prioritize your health. Without that, you’ve got nothing.
So while you’re mourning the amazing, resourceful, productive, briefcase-toting, airport-hopping person you used to be, remind yourself that focusing on your health is the right thing to do. I think you’re clinging to your job because in this strange new world you’re now inhabiting, it’s familiar. You used to be great at it. And, I think it’s a part of yourself you really loved. You’ll get there again. Let go of the idea that the job market won’t support you when you’re feeling better. There’s always room somewhere for smart people who are innovative, creative, and willing to work hard.
But it’s not where you’re at today, mentally or physically. Be grateful to your employer for supporting your journey to better health and offer to help them in any way you can going forward. Maybe they’ll be interested in some part-time consulting work. Maybe not. Either way, be gracious on the way out and stay in touch with people who you can put down as references or reach out to about job openings down the line.
None of us can tell the future. But whatever your journey looks like from here, it starts with you regaining control of your health. Take care, and let me know how it goes.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m worried about my friend’s betting habits. Over the past year, he has really fallen down the betting rabbit hole. He mostly bets on various sports. At first, it all seemed pretty harmless. But now he brings it up every week and is placing new bets constantly. I don’t exactly know how much money he’s blowing on it, but it has to be more than several hundred. He works at a retail store! It’s not like he has a ton of extra cash to blow. A few of the other guys in our friend group agree that it’s concerning. But we’re just not sure how to broach the subject. It’s his money after all, but we like to look out for each other. Is there a way to politely butt in?
—Betting On It
Dear Betting On It,
The next time he brings up his latest bet, try this: “Hey, friend. Bob, Larry, and I are wondering what’s going on with all these bets you’re making. What’s up with that?”
Then, listen. Try to get a sense if he’s placing an odd bet here or there but is immersed in the sports statistics side of it (which would explain why he talks about it all the time) or if he’s actually betting the hundreds of dollars you suspect he doesn’t have. Does he boast about winning or seem distressed about losses? Is he super defensive about it? All of these could be red flags that his betting is truly out of control.
According to Mayo Clinic, chasing your losses to get back to even is often a sign of a gambling addiction. Gambling when “feeling distressed, helpless, guilty, anxious or depressed” is also worrying. If you jeopardize or lose a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling, you’re also likely in over your head. So listen for whether he’s struggling in other areas of his life, too—and be there for him however you can.
If your friend recognizes that he has a problem and is willing to admit it, or even says that he has gone too far from time to time, you might suggest he contact the National Problem Gambling Helpline (1-800-GAMBLER), which is operated by the National Council on Problem Gambling. It operates call, text, and chat services 24/7/365 and serves as a one-stop hub connecting people looking for assistance with a gambling problem to local resources. This network includes 28 contact centers which cover all 50 states and the U.S. territories. You’re a good pal to care. I hope he recognizes that and if he needs it, gets help.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
My boss calls me Elaine. My name is Eileen. He doesn’t catch it himself, but whenever I or someone else corrects him, he quickly apologizes and gets it right… until the next time we speak.
